Revealed and Revered…

To the long awaited moment that has sat in pit of your oblivion.  Ignorance is not bliss.  What you don’t know can hurt you and to what you think that I do not know, well, that hurts you too.  It’s been an occasion of sorts to watch the manifested phantom of your guilt tell your story.  It’s been remarkable (to say the least or for the lack of words) to understand that you don’t know the depths of my own knowledge or understanding.  Human error is nothing that sits out so far from me that I can not reach it.  Guilt is nothing that I have not carried.  Lies have slipped off my tongue and challenged my body not to tell my secrets.  But secrets always leave their crumbs, as I am leaving mine.  Somewhere in the facade of smoke and illusions of truth, the truth you speak and the truths that you do not, lies an odorless poison to lives you claim to love.

You can speak from your heart but your actions of physicality are louder than you can imagine them to be.  Cause and effect of consequence and choice is a hammer to each and every selected nail.  One strike at a time, I have sat back and listened and watched as the horrors of your choices to strike these four hearts cause me to stand an inch taller.  It won’t be long now…

There is beauty in knowing that what you are sustaining is not more powerful than the force you carry to overcome it.   You may hold the power to destroy one moment after the next but I have never given you the power to destroy a life, no, not one.

You shall carry on in what only is your ignorance and I will carry on in full knowledge that what seems to be isn’t always what is.  Life will sort out who the fool is.  That will be the true moment in our life, won’t it?  There is nothing quite like the moment of revelation.  The light of the world overcoming the darkness that lays within’ it.  What causes us to prevail is not the lack of the battle but the endless power of knowing that where we stand we stand in dignity and with a solid footing on a moral integrity that can never be defeated.  The devil might win a couple of rounds but he is defeated by his own pride every single day.  And so, shall you be.

Good day

 

The Angst of the Forgotten

So many phases in our life call us to stand alone.  Usually, when we feel we need others the most, they are to busy in their own lives to respond to the cries from ours.  I’ve hit my head against this wall so many times in my own life that you would think by now a level of grace would befall me.  That I would find peace in knowing that this will pass like every other phase in my life,… with a lesson to be learned and a epiphany to be had.

But, the truth is…it is never easy to be isolated and it’s never truly okay with my soul to be alone.  I get bombarded with chaos, I get messy, I lose perspective and any focus that I should have is utterly gone.  I try desperately to be okay with it because I do know that somewhere in the depths of my madness…a purpose will come forth.  Yet, being forgotten at 38 years old is no easier than it was being forgotten about when I was 5 or 10 or 20 years old.

My madness, I suppose isn’t much different than anyone else’s.  Feeling alone is feeling alone.  Your soul spins within’ itself and your head can’t catch up to your thoughts.  It’s like trying to focus on one object on a roller coaster so you don’t lose yourself and there is no one there to hold you down.  Being alone can be bigger than life sometimes.  It is that moment when nothing consumes you and it infiltrates every aspect of who you are.  Because it is bidding you to show it who you are.  It’s life challenging you to see yourself without anyone or anything else and showing you the scary “what if’s” of life.  It places you on the edge of the world that is now just a box and bids you to find your sole place, within’ the box or outside of it?  It is scary…and pivotal.

As soon as you make a stand on the edge of that box and you scream, people will pay attention.  Shut down, shut out and count yourself completely accepting of the course that you are on and than people will come out of the wood work to be there for you.  The same people that ignored you and maybe even came against you will all of a sudden have a moment that they didn’t have for you before.  Because it was no longer their call or within’ their control.  Something happens when you take your power back and out of the control of other people.

I know it will seem like a very minute point to make by shutting myself down from social media but quite frankly I was tired of looking at 642 non friends. People that never had something to say to me, all of a sudden, had every curiosity when I wasn’t there and it only took a few less than 12 hours.

I guess in retrospect it has made me a better friend because I always make sure that I take a moment for you.  I always hear a cry, a plea…even a whisper.  I will not ignore a need or even a want if I have the means.  I will always give even when I am empty.  I will always ask the question out loud and look for the answer with you.

I just have to keep searching the world for more grace and peace out of not expecting anyone else to be that for me.  It’s hard to be and not to receive.

The Step of A Giant Part 2

So, I ask myself daily if I am on the right path.  I wonder if what I want out of this life is the intention or purpose that I am designed for or if the world genuinely needs it from me.  I feel empowered so much of the time by the force of my heart all the while discontent with where I am.  Is it for the desire to be where I want right now that fuels it or is it that I am not where I need to be to get there?  So many questions come with the inability to see.  It’s like choosing faith over reality every single day and making sure your hope is firmly planted, rooted deep enough for the days that you lose that battle in order that you can start it afresh the next day.

Taking the step of a giant while being small…is no easy feat in this life.  So many people ignore their own possibilities for refusing to walk in steps that just seem to large to walk.  I do not want to become one of them.  I do not want to waste my days a way doing something that I already know that I can do and only half ass enjoy.  I want to learn what I can do that I haven’t before and love it or fail miserably trying and learn from it.  There isn’t much room for mediocrity at this point.  If I am going to take a step…it might just as well be a BIG one I’ve never taken before.

I’m 38 years old and my life has had enough of the small things in life.  The daily routines, just getting by and settling for comfort vs. taking the risks.  I justified it for too damn long to be anything less than disgusted with it.  All I was doing was walking like a dog on a leash with a lead the diameter of a quarter.  I’ve choked the life out of myself and my dreams long enough.  Now, I want something and I want it so bad that I’m going outside of the box, I am walking unconventionally towards the thing that I want and if it rejects me…so be it.  I at the very least have tried.

I have to believe I have always walked my own path and pissed a lot of people off in the process for a reason, unconventional is just how I do it and probably how I always will.  I hope that it is for something, that it prepared me for the day I dream about.

Out of the Darkness..

Created by: Just Jenn

The Step Of A Giant 1

It’s been a while.  Guess I got wrapped up in reality.  Probably not a good enough excuse for a writer, writing tends to make reality bearable for us; so that not writing at all seems a bit like nonsense.  Life has taken everything I’ve got and to be honest it has also made me forget what it is that I have.  It happens so fast, one day you think you have everything figured out and your comfortable and than it seems like the next morning you wake up and realize that everything needs to change.

My life got really small really fast.  I had lived in a world that was shrinking by the minute and I somewhat felt like Alice standing in front of a door that was way to small to fit through.  I needed out of the room that my life had become but I had no idea where the crumb was to allow the possibility.  Everything was shifting and creating chaos in my routines.  I grew discontent and unhappy with where I lived, where I worked, even friendships began to show themselves for what they really were.

My structure was crashing.

Trying to wrap my mind around the possibility that my comfort zone was no longer comfortable was one thing, getting out of it was something else entirely.  It took the step of a giant actually.  Leap of faith, some might say.  But to be honest I had very little faith where it was concerned, and I was amazed at where I lacked it the most…in myself.  But life would have no hesitancy, it nagged until I made that step out of my comfort zone with no further instructions, it said,  “just walk”.

And I did…without a crumb in sight.

I walked away from a life that no longer served me, without any idea what was coming next.  I moved on without any idea of where I was going.  I knew only what I had in my heart but I doubted that what my heart wanted would actually ever be my reality.  I knew what I wanted from it but experience had taught me that unless the world wants it from you, you’re going to be sitting across the table from disappointment, on the lap of failure and holding rejection.  But those truths had paralyzed me long enough.

I am a creator.  A poet.  A artist.  Whatever I do, I do with a passion for it because my motto is that  “A true work of art is a work from the heart”.  I have always written.  It is where I find myself the most.  It wasn’t education that gave me the gift, in fact, I worry that education might take something away from it.  It’s natural for me to write, it flows as surely as my blood through my heart.  I don’t process it or refine it, i don’t demand it to be well formed.  I don’t allow it to be conformed to some prickly law like punctuation.  I just fucking write…(and I think pretty well).  The same can be said of my ability to draw and create things…it all comes naturally and raw.  It all comes from my heart.

But the problem is and the reason for explaining to you the natural ability I have to do these things and do them well is that natural talent does not defeat the educated and well-formed artist.  It is not a degree in journalism or a masters in art that compels me to do it, it is all heart and you can’t put your heart on a resume.  That’s the truth that kept me from pushing for what my heart wants.  Reality burns sometimes…and my reality is I can transform a piece of paper into a work of art but I can not sell myself on one.  There is no dotted line or designated area on a resume to place your heart and passion for a thing.

So this is the beginning of something for me…another blind step leading me to the next.  All I have at this point is a HOPE that carries me and a restored faith that despite every reality and truth I face, my heart is more powerful and projects the best of myself to a world clearly enough to be seen and heard.  This is a journey and this is only part one.  Thank you friends for listening…Just Jenn

Letting go…

There is a new opportunity today…an opportunity to make a choice that perhaps I wasn’t willing to make before. With a little more time, truth and perspective my eyes open and I see it more for it’s promise to me than the cross I will have to bear in making it. Here is a moment where my sorrow blossoms, my head bows and my soul searches for a glimpse of grace to sustain me in this.

Life got really heavy really fast and shaking off the access weight I’ve grown accustomed to carrying is no easy feat. I’ve heard it expressed in words I could so easily have said myself “Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks on it”. In these cases fighting is an easier way than by and through grace. Letting go with a willingness to survive means a part of you must die. Recognizing that something or someone loved is actually killing you, well, there is no eloquent way to put that hurt away. You can only hope that what you gain from it in the end of that thing is far more perfect for your life than what you lost.

It is with a heavy heart that I let go and by way of another wound that I am reminded that we never really know the outcome of anything and that we can only hold on for as long as it is meant to be held onto. This truth should give us a bit more gratitude for the things that are present in our lives for however long they are ours.

Dear Love…

Dear Love,

If I could sit with you for a moment I would ask you how come every story you’ve ever told me has come with a different ending?  I would ask why and how you come to bring me from my highest joy to a deepest sorrow. How I’ve experienced the dissection of myself in your name, yet you demand me to be complete?

Every question and conversation that I have had with you is always one part me and ten parts you.  You answer always in riddles that cause some great debate between my head and my heart.  When I ask you to show yourself to me there is no image or word or representation that can behold you in any glory, yet somehow I am suppose to show you to the world.  It seems you demand more from me than can be given and in this exhausting plight…I shall stay hopeful?  For what, to never be a choice or chosen?  You may be big enough to withstand the storms of rejection and failure but you ask me to carry those burdens?  You may always come back around but there is always that point where you have to be walking away from me to come back to me.

I have done all things in the past but given up on you, the very idea of you has warmed my loneliest moments and injected a will to hope when my head tells me there is no such thing.  You promise to exist and I catch a glimpse of you here and there but I’ve never seen you stay.  I’ve kept you closest to my heart my whole life, I’ve embraced you to the point of sacrifice and self-denial and all that’s ever been given back to me…is my love.  It’s never been good enough for them to accept but adequate enough to take everything from me.  You are our highest calling, the purpose of life, the breathe in the winds that shake us and come against us but you force our hearts to withstand an enemy we cannot know.  You give us demons and demand us to fly with the wings of angels.

I have heard you defined by poets and philosopher’s and have laid my eyes on the photographer who tries with every ounce of his passion to translate you through an image that is never big enough to behold you….and still all these questions.  Why so mysterious?  ❤

Gypsy Queen

I have walked in a world of my own…

I have beaten this path and I’ve done it alone.

Pursuing the passion that ignites my fire

To learn of my truths for a humble empire

I am not small in this world of my own

My heart and my head always battle for thrones

And I take my knee so much I can stand

Under the weight of my story and constant demands

A life of cast crowns for a sight of some glory

Too claim one small defeat in a tragic war story.

I am a slave to the vision of queens

I’d give all my reality for a dose of my dreams.

But there is no map, no plot, plan or action

And even if so, I’d probably lose traction.

It never is what I imagine it to be

It is never is or will come easily to me

There is no robe or crown to be worn

Just the tattered suit of a soldier to which I was born

A wanderer to the things I dream up in my sleep

My gypsy soul and the visions I keep

To a land filled with ravens singing dove’s lovely tunes

From ashes to soil and luxury to ruins

The only sure foot is the next one in line

That marches to the beat of the clock of life’s time

From the draw of my sword to the strength of my shield

I cut off the heads of the monsters I feel

Collecting remnants and passing a long

The epic adventure of a warrior’s song

I may never be crowned the queen of my empire

But I’ll protect her and honor her through water and fire.

Because this is my dream and is mine to possess

Among every battle…it’s my place of rest.

My stand is only as strong as I feel

My dream is all that I have that is real

Tattered and beaten but never defeated

…it is all that I have, that I’ve ever created.

-Just Jenn 1/16/14 

Solace

Can only take credit for the words. Originally posted on: https://www.facebook.com/POPassion?ref=hl

Inside and Out…

I can’t take credit for the image, only the words. Originally Posted on https://www.facebook.com/POPassion?ref=hl