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Nothing can ever prepare you for the moment that you realize the people in your life were conditional.  It’s hard to move on when your heart only wants to look back and make sense of how it all changed.  Nothing can help you understand it because at night when you are laying in bed the only question that you have is “how did I mean so little?”  And the only answer you can come up with is…that you meant so little.  There is just that truth that you have to fall asleep with, learn how to accept and move on from…(controlling the devastation as much as you are able).

You try really hard not to carry all the responsibility but you can’t help but dissect yourself and figure out what makes you disposable.  You fight with the burden while they find contentment with their choice.  All day long you can tell yourself that it is their choice, their responsibility and their bad but the dust doesn’t settle on a wounded heart like that.  Wounded and broken people are always confused.  Moods shift from acceptance to suffering at the smallest trigger.  You reach out to the relationships that you still have to fulfill the role of the ones that you have lost.  And, almost always through it all,  you’ve justified the rationale in your head to pave the road of your mistrust in the future.

When you can’t hold onto any one single thought it’s really hard to pick yourself up  out of the abyss of abandonment that people put you in.  It’s even harder if while going through it you make any attempt to repair the broken relationships and rejection piles onto your already abandoned soul.  When you question yourself, you begin to question everything around you, and before you know it you are head first into a constant state of battle.  A battle that becomes solely yours.  It doesn’t matter who threw you into it and it doesn’t matter what relationships remain.  It is your battle.

Only  your choices are going to effect it and only you are going to win or lose.

This is the moment that you realize how you feel about yourself and how much power you have given other people to define you. Those two forces of  humanity do not play well together in a single life.  You have to choose which is more important to you and you have to choose you.

You have to take your power back.

People will judge you, criticize and critique you.  They will take every account of your life that they can to try you before their peers.  But that is only if you show up for court.  Dismiss it.  Don’t show up.  Don’t allow any of their pleadings to root by allowing them to root within’ you.  If they can make you question yourself, you are giving them the power to make others question you.  Stand firm,  carry your flaws but don’t carry their words or actions with you.  Do not counter suit against them,  be better and do better and prove them wrong with their own acts against you.  

Start there…when the chaos begins and when the confusion is overtaking your peace, start right there.  Tell yourself that you will not be defined by this but that your definition will come by how you handle it.  Find your strength by standing your ground.  Draw a line in the sand, don’t gain ground by taking it from somewhere else.  Find out who you are to you.  You will be amazed at what you see when you start seeing with your own eyes and not the eyes of everyone around you.  You will realize that you are more than they see and you are more than you see.  

God bless you abandoned and wounds souls, without the battle there is never a winner and without the freedom to be who we are there would never be difference.   

JustJenn

 

 

 

To the long awaited moment that has sat in pit of your oblivion.  Ignorance is not bliss.  What you don’t know can hurt you and to what you think that I do not know, well, that hurts you too.  It’s been an occasion of sorts to watch the manifested phantom of your guilt tell your story.  It’s been remarkable (to say the least or for the lack of words) to understand that you don’t know the depths of my own knowledge or understanding.  Human error is nothing that sits out so far from me that I can not reach it.  Guilt is nothing that I have not carried.  Lies have slipped off my tongue and challenged my body not to tell my secrets.  But secrets always leave their crumbs, as I am leaving mine.  Somewhere in the facade of smoke and illusions of truth, the truth you speak and the truths that you do not, lies an odorless poison to lives you claim to love.

You can speak from your heart but your actions of physicality are louder than you can imagine them to be.  Cause and effect of consequence and choice is a hammer to each and every selected nail.  One strike at a time, I have sat back and listened and watched as the horrors of your choices to strike these four hearts cause me to stand an inch taller.  It won’t be long now…

There is beauty in knowing that what you are sustaining is not more powerful than the force you carry to overcome it.   You may hold the power to destroy one moment after the next but I have never given you the power to destroy a life, no, not one.

You shall carry on in what only is your ignorance and I will carry on in full knowledge that what seems to be isn’t always what is.  Life will sort out who the fool is.  That will be the true moment in our life, won’t it?  There is nothing quite like the moment of revelation.  The light of the world overcoming the darkness that lays within’ it.  What causes us to prevail is not the lack of the battle but the endless power of knowing that where we stand we stand in dignity and with a solid footing on a moral integrity that can never be defeated.  The devil might win a couple of rounds but he is defeated by his own pride every single day.  And so, shall you be.

Good day

 

So many phases in our life call us to stand alone.  Usually, when we feel we need others the most, they are to busy in their own lives to respond to the cries from ours.  I’ve hit my head against this wall so many times in my own life that you would think by now a level of grace would befall me.  That I would find peace in knowing that this will pass like every other phase in my life,… with a lesson to be learned and a epiphany to be had.

But, the truth is…it is never easy to be isolated and it’s never truly okay with my soul to be alone.  I get bombarded with chaos, I get messy, I lose perspective and any focus that I should have is utterly gone.  I try desperately to be okay with it because I do know that somewhere in the depths of my madness…a purpose will come forth.  Yet, being forgotten at 38 years old is no easier than it was being forgotten about when I was 5 or 10 or 20 years old.

My madness, I suppose isn’t much different than anyone else’s.  Feeling alone is feeling alone.  Your soul spins within’ itself and your head can’t catch up to your thoughts.  It’s like trying to focus on one object on a roller coaster so you don’t lose yourself and there is no one there to hold you down.  Being alone can be bigger than life sometimes.  It is that moment when nothing consumes you and it infiltrates every aspect of who you are.  Because it is bidding you to show it who you are.  It’s life challenging you to see yourself without anyone or anything else and showing you the scary “what if’s” of life.  It places you on the edge of the world that is now just a box and bids you to find your sole place, within’ the box or outside of it?  It is scary…and pivotal.

As soon as you make a stand on the edge of that box and you scream, people will pay attention.  Shut down, shut out and count yourself completely accepting of the course that you are on and than people will come out of the wood work to be there for you.  The same people that ignored you and maybe even came against you will all of a sudden have a moment that they didn’t have for you before.  Because it was no longer their call or within’ their control.  Something happens when you take your power back and out of the control of other people.

I know it will seem like a very minute point to make by shutting myself down from social media but quite frankly I was tired of looking at 642 non friends. People that never had something to say to me, all of a sudden, had every curiosity when I wasn’t there and it only took a few less than 12 hours.

I guess in retrospect it has made me a better friend because I always make sure that I take a moment for you.  I always hear a cry, a plea…even a whisper.  I will not ignore a need or even a want if I have the means.  I will always give even when I am empty.  I will always ask the question out loud and look for the answer with you.

I just have to keep searching the world for more grace and peace out of not expecting anyone else to be that for me.  It’s hard to be and not to receive.

So, I ask myself daily if I am on the right path.  I wonder if what I want out of this life is the intention or purpose that I am designed for or if the world genuinely needs it from me.  I feel empowered so much of the time by the force of my heart all the while discontent with where I am.  Is it for the desire to be where I want right now that fuels it or is it that I am not where I need to be to get there?  So many questions come with the inability to see.  It’s like choosing faith over reality every single day and making sure your hope is firmly planted, rooted deep enough for the days that you lose that battle in order that you can start it afresh the next day.

Taking the step of a giant while being small…is no easy feat in this life.  So many people ignore their own possibilities for refusing to walk in steps that just seem to large to walk.  I do not want to become one of them.  I do not want to waste my days a way doing something that I already know that I can do and only half ass enjoy.  I want to learn what I can do that I haven’t before and love it or fail miserably trying and learn from it.  There isn’t much room for mediocrity at this point.  If I am going to take a step…it might just as well be a BIG one I’ve never taken before.

I’m 38 years old and my life has had enough of the small things in life.  The daily routines, just getting by and settling for comfort vs. taking the risks.  I justified it for too damn long to be anything less than disgusted with it.  All I was doing was walking like a dog on a leash with a lead the diameter of a quarter.  I’ve choked the life out of myself and my dreams long enough.  Now, I want something and I want it so bad that I’m going outside of the box, I am walking unconventionally towards the thing that I want and if it rejects me…so be it.  I at the very least have tried.

I have to believe I have always walked my own path and pissed a lot of people off in the process for a reason, unconventional is just how I do it and probably how I always will.  I hope that it is for something, that it prepared me for the day I dream about.

Created by: Just Jenn

Created by: Just Jenn

The Step Of A Giant 1

Posted: September 4, 2015 in Uncategorized

1379910_618165381558580_1986229234_nSource: The Step Of A Giant 1

It’s been a while.  Guess I got wrapped up in reality.  Probably not a good enough excuse for a writer, writing tends to make reality bearable for us; so that not writing at all seems a bit like nonsense.  Life has taken everything I’ve got and to be honest it has also made me forget what it is that I have.  It happens so fast, one day you think you have everything figured out and your comfortable and than it seems like the next morning you wake up and realize that everything needs to change.

My life got really small really fast.  I had lived in a world that was shrinking by the minute and I somewhat felt like Alice standing in front of a door that was way to small to fit through.  I needed out of the room that my life had become but I had no idea where the crumb was to allow the possibility.  Everything was shifting and creating chaos in my routines.  I grew discontent and unhappy with where I lived, where I worked, even friendships began to show themselves for what they really were.

My structure was crashing.

Trying to wrap my mind around the possibility that my comfort zone was no longer comfortable was one thing, getting out of it was something else entirely.  It took the step of a giant actually.  Leap of faith, some might say.  But to be honest I had very little faith where it was concerned, and I was amazed at where I lacked it the most…in myself.  But life would have no hesitancy, it nagged until I made that step out of my comfort zone with no further instructions, it said,  “just walk”.

And I did…without a crumb in sight.

I walked away from a life that no longer served me, without any idea what was coming next.  I moved on without any idea of where I was going.  I knew only what I had in my heart but I doubted that what my heart wanted would actually ever be my reality.  I knew what I wanted from it but experience had taught me that unless the world wants it from you, you’re going to be sitting across the table from disappointment, on the lap of failure and holding rejection.  But those truths had paralyzed me long enough.

I am a creator.  A poet.  A artist.  Whatever I do, I do with a passion for it because my motto is that  “A true work of art is a work from the heart”.  I have always written.  It is where I find myself the most.  It wasn’t education that gave me the gift, in fact, I worry that education might take something away from it.  It’s natural for me to write, it flows as surely as my blood through my heart.  I don’t process it or refine it, i don’t demand it to be well formed.  I don’t allow it to be conformed to some prickly law like punctuation.  I just fucking write…(and I think pretty well).  The same can be said of my ability to draw and create things…it all comes naturally and raw.  It all comes from my heart.

But the problem is and the reason for explaining to you the natural ability I have to do these things and do them well is that natural talent does not defeat the educated and well-formed artist.  It is not a degree in journalism or a masters in art that compels me to do it, it is all heart and you can’t put your heart on a resume.  That’s the truth that kept me from pushing for what my heart wants.  Reality burns sometimes…and my reality is I can transform a piece of paper into a work of art but I can not sell myself on one.  There is no dotted line or designated area on a resume to place your heart and passion for a thing.

So this is the beginning of something for me…another blind step leading me to the next.  All I have at this point is a HOPE that carries me and a restored faith that despite every reality and truth I face, my heart is more powerful and projects the best of myself to a world clearly enough to be seen and heard.  This is a journey and this is only part one.  Thank you friends for listening…Just Jenn